Never, even in my wildest dream, that we are not going to end up together. I will always nurture the imaginary utopia where you are the only script I will devout myself into, the only weather forecast that actually matters, a lullaby I will always chant, an umbrella I’ll seek when it rains, and the sea I am willing to be drowned under.
Forgive my inglorious self when, in my utopia, I did not reckon the importance of tiny details; of what happened to you and the universe that surrounds. Forgive the despicable side of me when I didn’t notice that our house is filled with mice, the TV is broken, the heater went off, or the reason behind your constant drop of tears in the middle of the night, while you tried to hide it from me. I am sorry that the distance makes me even more reluctant just to start a dull, foolish small talk with you. Forgive me. Do forgive me.
Never was – and never will – my intention to put you aside and reserved. You will always be my personal favorite in any parallel universe. When the concept of reincarnation told us a tale about how mankind were given a second chance by the Devine to take care of their previous sins, I will gladly commit the same crime, every single one of them, as long as I’m with you.
But we are evolving. You and I, we are growing to be the best version of ourselves with the lure of future and its mysteries. We are trying to make ‘Us’ works by having our own definition of suitability. And, dear, that’s life.
We are not the same individuals that we were back then. We are no longer two lovebirds, sharing a same nest and hanging on our favorite tree; nor we are a prince and a princess in a fairytale that ended up happily ever after – we were not, we are not, and we will not be one. Why? Because our life will be filled with more stories, ups and downs, ambitions, petty little arguments, and other meaningful blank sheets waiting to be written.
And despite all, despite all of the wear and tear, I would still fall for you like it’s winter 2013. It is suffocating to watch you going more, and more, and more sour during this whole relationship. It chokes me every time I realized that I, being miles away from you, just could not fill the void I left in your existence as a being; that my essence is not enough to replace my presence. Blame it on me because you are not supposed to be treated that way and deserve better, not less.
I would love to have real, dull, foolish small talks with you – and soon it will no longer be just a delusion. I would like you to see what I saw, hear what I heard, and touch what I felt. I would love for you to be my eyes, lips, and ears. I am longing for your presence; I am desperate on seeing before me my metaphor. I will be more than willing to communicate with you, to talk about ikan paus di laut, atau mungkin tentang bunga padi di sawah.
Payung Teduh – Mari Bercerita:
Seperti yang biasa kau lakukan
Di tengah perbincangan kita,
Tiba-tiba kau terdiam
Sementara ku sibuk menerka apa yang ada difikiranmu.
Sesungguhnya berbicara dengan mu
Tentang segala hal yang bukan tentang kita,
Mungkin tentang ikan paus di laut
Atau mungkin tentang bunga padi di sawah.
Sungguh bicara dengan mu
Tentang segala hal yang bukan kita,
Selalu bisa membuat semua lebih bersahaja.
Malam jangan berlalu…
Jangan datang dulu terang.
Telah lama ku tunggu,
Kuingin berdua dengan mu.
Biar pagi datang
Setelah aku memanggil…